PEACE
Posted on Jul 13th, 2007
by 
source-within
source-within
"I like the way your sparkling earrings lay
Against your skin, it's so brown
I wanna sleep with you in the desert tonight
With a billion stars all around
I gotta peaceful, easy feelin'
I know you won't let me down
'Cause I'm already standin' on the ground...." *
dear BJ ----
"I found out a long time ago
What a woman can do to your soul
Ah, but she can't take you anyway
You don't already know how to go
I gotta peaceful, easy feelin'
I know you won't let me down
'Cause I'm already standin' on the ground...." *
"I get this feelin' I may know you
As a lover and a friend
Then this voice whisperin' in my other ear,
Sayin' I may never see you again
"But I gotta peaceful, easy feelin'
I know you won't let me down
'Cause I'm already standin'
Yes, I'm already standin'
Well, I'm already standin' on the ground" *
__________________________________
* (Jack Tempchin, "Peaceful Easy Feeling")
Against your skin, it's so brown
I wanna sleep with you in the desert tonight
With a billion stars all around
I gotta peaceful, easy feelin'
I know you won't let me down
'Cause I'm already standin' on the ground...." *
dear BJ ----
another lightning-bolt of realization hit me, this afternoon as i was taking a break from scrubbing the floor ... went down to the park and lay in the sun, and ZAPPP! --- suddenly came to peace with myself about this whole woman-thing...!! the first peace i've had since that one magic moment -- you know the one -- last August, in L.A. with you.... there in the park today, the feeling of THAT washed over me again, and everything crystallized for me to see, and i decided i would put it on the blog.... everyone who reads it will almost surely think i've gone totally crazy, and maybe i have -- but they don't know what i felt and saw that night, lying there, watching you sleep ... and at least it's a peaceful craziness, if i AM crazy. but i feel i've BEEN crazy for almost the past year, crazy without you, and revving my engine the whole time, feeling trapped and lost; revving my engine, trying to go somewhere or do something, anything that would make me feel better; anything that would make life livable again. i feel i've BEEN crazy, and have now come back from there, just this afternoon! back to a feeling of peace. a weird one, by any normal standards, but it's a feeling i can live with (and we both always said we were weird, anyway)....
what's REALLY weird is that, in the past year, i've taken up your idea that i should find another woman for myself! after telling you, over and over, how crazy that was.... i knew, from almost the very start, that you were the one for me; i told you that, over and over (every time you tried to find a replacement). i told you, i didn't even want to LOOK at another woman, or to THINK about one; that you were the one i'd been waiting for all my life.... why was that so hard for you to believe? oh, but you did believe it, that was in fact what scared you, because you knew yourself that it was true, that you and i were MADE for each other. and, precisely because we were, you wanted to rebel against it...!
the whole universe answered both our prayers by bringing us together -- and it was so perfect and so beautiful, you couldn't stand it, you had to run away...! no, that's not being fair to you: the bottom-line was, you simply had (or felt you had) so many obligations to other people, so many complications, so many people pulling and pushing you in so many directions -- demanding your loyalty, brainwashing you, sucking your energy -- there just was no space in your life to fit me (or anyone else) in. so, you said your prayer, you were given exactly what you asked for ... and then you realized there was no way you could accept it! there was just no place for me to fit!
still that doesn't change the love between us. please remember, that's the only thing that's real, and nothing can ever change it. not even your refusal to feel it now. the love is still there in your heart -- and i totally understand why you shut off the feeling of it. i know that was the only way you could keep even a molecule of sanity, when we were forced to separate and you were being pulled in so many directions at once; that was the only way you could go on living at all, or so you felt: by killing your feelings for me (and maybe even your ability to feel anything at all)....
BUT ... the love is still there in your heart, and it always will be. and one day you will be able to allow yourself to feel it again. the obligations and complications will eventually be taken care of, and the brainwashers and energy-suckers will lose their hold on you -- and your love will come to life again. you will have gone through whatever changes you needed to go through, in order to be ready for me; and i will have done whatever i needed to do, in order to be ready for you; in order to better provide for us....
do you remember that book you loaned me, The Alchemist ? (that's a rhetorical question; i have no doubt you remember it!) it was actually preparing us for what was to come in our own lives: the guy meets his perfect mate at the oasis; he knows she's the one; she knows he's the one; but they also know (or is it only she who knows, and she tells him? -- i forget) that it's not the right time for them, that he must go and "find his destiny" before he can come back and be with her. and so he does....
what's REALLY weird is that, in the past year, i've taken up your idea that i should find another woman for myself! after telling you, over and over, how crazy that was.... i knew, from almost the very start, that you were the one for me; i told you that, over and over (every time you tried to find a replacement). i told you, i didn't even want to LOOK at another woman, or to THINK about one; that you were the one i'd been waiting for all my life.... why was that so hard for you to believe? oh, but you did believe it, that was in fact what scared you, because you knew yourself that it was true, that you and i were MADE for each other. and, precisely because we were, you wanted to rebel against it...!
the whole universe answered both our prayers by bringing us together -- and it was so perfect and so beautiful, you couldn't stand it, you had to run away...! no, that's not being fair to you: the bottom-line was, you simply had (or felt you had) so many obligations to other people, so many complications, so many people pulling and pushing you in so many directions -- demanding your loyalty, brainwashing you, sucking your energy -- there just was no space in your life to fit me (or anyone else) in. so, you said your prayer, you were given exactly what you asked for ... and then you realized there was no way you could accept it! there was just no place for me to fit!
still that doesn't change the love between us. please remember, that's the only thing that's real, and nothing can ever change it. not even your refusal to feel it now. the love is still there in your heart -- and i totally understand why you shut off the feeling of it. i know that was the only way you could keep even a molecule of sanity, when we were forced to separate and you were being pulled in so many directions at once; that was the only way you could go on living at all, or so you felt: by killing your feelings for me (and maybe even your ability to feel anything at all)....
BUT ... the love is still there in your heart, and it always will be. and one day you will be able to allow yourself to feel it again. the obligations and complications will eventually be taken care of, and the brainwashers and energy-suckers will lose their hold on you -- and your love will come to life again. you will have gone through whatever changes you needed to go through, in order to be ready for me; and i will have done whatever i needed to do, in order to be ready for you; in order to better provide for us....
do you remember that book you loaned me, The Alchemist ? (that's a rhetorical question; i have no doubt you remember it!) it was actually preparing us for what was to come in our own lives: the guy meets his perfect mate at the oasis; he knows she's the one; she knows he's the one; but they also know (or is it only she who knows, and she tells him? -- i forget) that it's not the right time for them, that he must go and "find his destiny" before he can come back and be with her. and so he does....
"I found out a long time ago
What a woman can do to your soul
Ah, but she can't take you anyway
You don't already know how to go
I gotta peaceful, easy feelin'
I know you won't let me down
'Cause I'm already standin' on the ground...." *
well, BJ, that's you and me. we've had our first meeting at the oasis; we've found each other, but now we need to do some things separately before we can be together again; and we're doing them....
those visions you had, and the dreams -- where we were together (and happy!) as very old people.... those were not hallucinations; your psychic abilities are much too sharp for that. you were seeing our future, that's all. you saw those things too many times, and they were too real, for them to be meaningless. the day you were driving (in L.A.!!) and you saw the 2 of us, as old people, crossing the street in front of your car! and it was so real that you actually stopped the car, to keep from hitting us!! you were seeing our future. and maybe we don't get back together for 20 more years! this is not the first time this possibility has occurred to me; not even the 2nd or 3rd or 4th or 5th, or umpteenth time. and i haven't liked it, the thought of having to wait so long to see you again, to hold you, to hear your voice.... but today in the park, it didn't seem so bad. better in 20 years than never!!
this, of course, is where everybody really decides i'm kookoo! "geez, LOOK at this nut -- pushing things 20 years into the future, in order to avoid admitting that this thing is finished!! come on, Jack, give it up! let go, move on, get a life!" i know they're saying that; if i were them, i'd be saying the same thing! BUT ... they don't know what i know, because they were not there to feel what i felt and see what i saw, that night with you in L.A. the night i was watching you sleep (well, i was always either watching you sleep or waking you up to make love, because i could never sleep when i was anywhere near you) and suddenly my heart opened up -- just wide open! -- and a whole big river of LOVE came pouring through it and over your sleeping body, completely engulfing you. i felt that river pouring through my heart, and i could even see it as it washed over you -- and it was the most beautiful and magical feeling i've ever had. remembering it, later, it occurred to me that that was the very moment when i became truly married to you....
so funny, because we both had such total intolerance for the idea of being officially married; there was no way we could have done that. and yet we vowed we would never leave each other; we would spend the rest of our lives together; and, when these lifetimes were finished, we would leave here together!
you made those vows to me, and i'm holding you to them. and i realize that we HAVE never left each other. physically we have, but that's all. you've been with me all the time -- even when i managed, for a while, to kill MY feelings for YOU. you were here even then, and my feelings grew back -- and so will yours for me.
i realized today that what has been driving me crazy is my pretending that we're NOT married; my trying to find another woman. as crazy as this may sound, there really is not another one for me! you are the one -- and we were married, by that river of love pouring through my heart. how can i pretend otherwise? i've tried, and yes, that's what has been driving me crazy! in the past months, i've tried to picture myself being with 4 other women. the first time, i got actually, physically ill, immediately (just picturing it). the other times, not ill, it just didn't happen. only one of them was even close -- and then SHE rejected ME; but i realized today, even if she hadn't, i couldn't have gone through with it.
just for the benefit of people reading this -- who are saying, understandably, "CRA-ZEE! CRA-ZEE!" -- let me say, there are very, very, very few things i KNOW; but this happens to be one of them. and i'm not the only one who has known it. there was Mrs. A. there was my friend in Yuba City, and your friend in Tarzana. there was my friend in Serbia. there were the Tarot readings (yeah, i know, some people will think those alone are cause enough to have me put away!). there were the Little Sparkly Guys (uh-oh -- bring on the straitjackets!).... oh, by the way, i know you had a LOT to do with this latest friend entering my life -- the one who just happens to see little sparkly lights around HER eyes ... and who just happens to gaze into my face the same way you did, and then to say (just as you did), "you're so cute!" what do you suppose are the odds against THAT happening "by chance" ??? i know you sent her to me, and she's a wonderful person, and she and i match in so many ways it's phenomenal (definitely another not-by-chance happening!), and i love her dearly -- but she and i are friends; you and i are married! please, just remember that.
so, that's what it comes to: we're married, you and i -- through this lifetime and beyond. the moment we made those vows, they were etched into every particle of every universe that has ever existed, or will ever exist -- and i'm holding you to them! you said you liked to be given orders; well, that's my one and only order to you! (just kidding -- you gave the order yourself when you made the vow!)
isn't it funny -- so many people stand up and put their hand on a bible, and solemnly swear, "...for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death ... etc." -- and what they really mean is: "as long as it's convenient, or till someone more attractive comes along...." and you and i, we don't have the piece of paper, but we made the vows for REAL. we spoke them from the heart, with every star in the heavens as a witness. now, physically, we have to be apart for a while; you have to do some things, i have to do some things; and, when the time is right, we'll come back together. whether it's weeks or months or years, it doesn't matter. that's what finally settled into me this afternoon, and brought me this great feeling of peace....
those visions you had, and the dreams -- where we were together (and happy!) as very old people.... those were not hallucinations; your psychic abilities are much too sharp for that. you were seeing our future, that's all. you saw those things too many times, and they were too real, for them to be meaningless. the day you were driving (in L.A.!!) and you saw the 2 of us, as old people, crossing the street in front of your car! and it was so real that you actually stopped the car, to keep from hitting us!! you were seeing our future. and maybe we don't get back together for 20 more years! this is not the first time this possibility has occurred to me; not even the 2nd or 3rd or 4th or 5th, or umpteenth time. and i haven't liked it, the thought of having to wait so long to see you again, to hold you, to hear your voice.... but today in the park, it didn't seem so bad. better in 20 years than never!!
this, of course, is where everybody really decides i'm kookoo! "geez, LOOK at this nut -- pushing things 20 years into the future, in order to avoid admitting that this thing is finished!! come on, Jack, give it up! let go, move on, get a life!" i know they're saying that; if i were them, i'd be saying the same thing! BUT ... they don't know what i know, because they were not there to feel what i felt and see what i saw, that night with you in L.A. the night i was watching you sleep (well, i was always either watching you sleep or waking you up to make love, because i could never sleep when i was anywhere near you) and suddenly my heart opened up -- just wide open! -- and a whole big river of LOVE came pouring through it and over your sleeping body, completely engulfing you. i felt that river pouring through my heart, and i could even see it as it washed over you -- and it was the most beautiful and magical feeling i've ever had. remembering it, later, it occurred to me that that was the very moment when i became truly married to you....
so funny, because we both had such total intolerance for the idea of being officially married; there was no way we could have done that. and yet we vowed we would never leave each other; we would spend the rest of our lives together; and, when these lifetimes were finished, we would leave here together!
you made those vows to me, and i'm holding you to them. and i realize that we HAVE never left each other. physically we have, but that's all. you've been with me all the time -- even when i managed, for a while, to kill MY feelings for YOU. you were here even then, and my feelings grew back -- and so will yours for me.
i realized today that what has been driving me crazy is my pretending that we're NOT married; my trying to find another woman. as crazy as this may sound, there really is not another one for me! you are the one -- and we were married, by that river of love pouring through my heart. how can i pretend otherwise? i've tried, and yes, that's what has been driving me crazy! in the past months, i've tried to picture myself being with 4 other women. the first time, i got actually, physically ill, immediately (just picturing it). the other times, not ill, it just didn't happen. only one of them was even close -- and then SHE rejected ME; but i realized today, even if she hadn't, i couldn't have gone through with it.
just for the benefit of people reading this -- who are saying, understandably, "CRA-ZEE! CRA-ZEE!" -- let me say, there are very, very, very few things i KNOW; but this happens to be one of them. and i'm not the only one who has known it. there was Mrs. A. there was my friend in Yuba City, and your friend in Tarzana. there was my friend in Serbia. there were the Tarot readings (yeah, i know, some people will think those alone are cause enough to have me put away!). there were the Little Sparkly Guys (uh-oh -- bring on the straitjackets!).... oh, by the way, i know you had a LOT to do with this latest friend entering my life -- the one who just happens to see little sparkly lights around HER eyes ... and who just happens to gaze into my face the same way you did, and then to say (just as you did), "you're so cute!" what do you suppose are the odds against THAT happening "by chance" ??? i know you sent her to me, and she's a wonderful person, and she and i match in so many ways it's phenomenal (definitely another not-by-chance happening!), and i love her dearly -- but she and i are friends; you and i are married! please, just remember that.
so, that's what it comes to: we're married, you and i -- through this lifetime and beyond. the moment we made those vows, they were etched into every particle of every universe that has ever existed, or will ever exist -- and i'm holding you to them! you said you liked to be given orders; well, that's my one and only order to you! (just kidding -- you gave the order yourself when you made the vow!)
isn't it funny -- so many people stand up and put their hand on a bible, and solemnly swear, "...for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death ... etc." -- and what they really mean is: "as long as it's convenient, or till someone more attractive comes along...." and you and i, we don't have the piece of paper, but we made the vows for REAL. we spoke them from the heart, with every star in the heavens as a witness. now, physically, we have to be apart for a while; you have to do some things, i have to do some things; and, when the time is right, we'll come back together. whether it's weeks or months or years, it doesn't matter. that's what finally settled into me this afternoon, and brought me this great feeling of peace....
"I get this feelin' I may know you
As a lover and a friend
Then this voice whisperin' in my other ear,
Sayin' I may never see you again
"But I gotta peaceful, easy feelin'
I know you won't let me down
'Cause I'm already standin'
Yes, I'm already standin'
Well, I'm already standin' on the ground" *
__________________________________
* (Jack Tempchin, "Peaceful Easy Feeling")
Access: PublicTagged with: peace
peace
July 2008 
Don, i truly am happy that you have found some peace. i cried at the depth of love you feel for BJ. I also cried at the lost possibility of a happy life together with you. since I am the other girl with the sparkles in her eyes. I really wanted to take some time and get to know and groe to gether..I truly believed that I had found a rare gem in the jungle, that others did'nt seem to see…well now I know how you really feel..MARRIED..I will stop my flirty ways, and respect you and your feelings. With a pang of sadness, reroute my thoughts plans and feelings into a new curve. We get along so great, and laugh sooo much, I am thankful to call you my friend. with great love and respect ,Jeannie aka Lena
Lena —-
awww, geeeez, a pang of sadness for ME now….. i'm so sorry to have derailed your train – and i was standing at the station, with a ticket in my hand for the same train, trying to read the signs … and something kept feeling not quite right … and yesterday i suddenly realized what it was…. i've been doing what everyone else (including BJ) thought i “should” be doing – looking for another mate – and i have no doubt in the world that she had SO much to do with you coming into my life, nor that she fully intended you as a replacement for herself…! but, i realized yesterday, the whole thing of me looking for another mate is what has been bothering me; that's what hasn't felt right, all these months … and, as soon as i got that idea out of my head, i felt so much better, i felt really at peace….
here's something that may help you feel better: IN REALITY, nothing has changed between you and me! what has happened is merely that i've blown a certain expectation out of the water, for both of us – and expectations are not Reality, in fact they tend to block our experience of Reality. Reality = my heart, your heart = same as before! : ^ ) no expectations there; the expectations are the work of the ego-mind … and all the really smart guys (and gals) – the so-called Sages – keep telling us we're better off living without expectations; so that is what i'm really aiming to do…. (in fact, Life itself has been giving me that lesson, in spades, the past few months!)
as i write these words, up jumps the question (to myself): “but aren't you playing the expectation game, in relation to BJ, waiting for her to come back into your life?” and the answer is No. i'm not waiting for her to come back. i WAS waiting for that, until yesterday, when i realized that she has never really been gone! until yesterday, i was HALF-waiting for her, and half-looking for someone else, someone to be her stand-in! i was sitting on the fence, not knowing which way to go; not having the guts to go EITHER way. and i realized that my fence-sitting was what had been making me so miserable! the moment i came back to accepting what i had KNOWN all along, i stopped looking for a stand-in, and instantly i was at peace with the status quo….
that's where i am now – in this beautiful peace, in this moment, with no expectations of anything. whatever happens tomorrow, or next year, or 20 years down the road … will happen. but right now the best i can do is to get off the fence, to be true to my heart. so, i'm making my stand. no expectations. que sera sera.
please don't cry about lost possibilities – ANYTHING is possible; the world is reborn every instant, and everything is always changing. the best we can do is to be true to ourselves in every moment. you and i can still get to know each other, can still grow together (and thank you so much for seeing me as a gem; you know i see you the same way). whatever we do, i pray we can do it with a minimum of expectation, fully open to the surprises of Life – that way everything will be more alive and magical for us….
Hi Don, Thank you ! I like not having expectations…. the more I think about …the more I like it ……everything is just the way it is supposed to be..I am grateful and happy..we are the best of friends…and I find that to be the very best treasure. In a funny way I think I feel better more free somehow…Love and good wishes always, Jeannie aka Lena
Lena —-
YAYYYY!!!! i totally agree with everything you said…!
hugzzzzzzz
amw writes:
Don the following is written as an erercise/exorcise and nothing more in my own continuing growth.
I like you and anything I say is not said to embarass or shame but to let you know these are my feelings and my feelings alone.
Sincerely,
amw
Don wrote:
dear BJ –
amw wrote:
Don I am not sure if this is written as a skit- as tongue-in-cheek- as a joke- a prank but, it isn't April 1st and as I read, I am amazed and surprised and awestruck by not only your revelations as seen by you, but those seen by me, a reader of your blog.
Your revelations, as I read it in following your enchanting blogs, had me believe what you had written and I felt an array of emotions with each new paragraph. I felt you had, had a history of attracting women with whom, for whatever reason things did not pan out….. but mostly thinking the women were of the caliber or ilk that they were deceptive in withholding their true characters from you and then changing in front of your very eyes into people whom you barely knew.
I have followed your blogs and shared laughter as I read some pieces and tears and joy when my erroneous assumptions of you being a 'fatherless' child and if so the possibility in your not having a capacity to give fathering & paternal fuflillment to women in need of that from you. (however when you mention that BJ wanted you to order her in a way I saw why when other women wanted that from you it was THAT you didn't want to give…now I see why)
But Don I had no idea—-when I answered your blogs of the true nature of your 'dilemma' Now everything is crystal clear…well, sort of…. ' BJ'i what interesting initials for a girlfriend- who literally sucked you in! excuse my humble attempt at some humour. But there are so many questions in my head tonight
. It seems when you went searching, it wasn't anything YOU really desired but, the desire of a woman named BJ.Why on Earth would a person who loved one try to foist you off on any other woman? It reminds me of the movie 'Adele H' it has tinges of sadistically painful scenes where she tries to find women for the man she loves… And Don, based on this woman of course you couldn't find a suitable mate…she was always there, always on your mind- haunting you…and how unfair is that to other women who came into your life?
I don't think you have gone crazy, your thoughts are totally lucid but Don, when you lay with others or engaged in conversation with others did they know there was a rival for your affections…However much of a ghost BJ was. The woman who wrote below Jeannie =Lena didn't know….she seems so genuine… but she seems to believe you liked her- and I am not doubting that you did……that she had a chance- why did you not feel it important to not tell he but for her to learn it in this manner…..?
What might be the reasons this woman BJ could not have a life with you- what things needed to be done- had she to finish school… had she to have massive reconstructive surgery… had she to go to some heathen country and save all the souls…. is she a missionary in Darfur…… is she in a state penitentiary….I can't wait to know the answers as I am spellbound by your writings now.
How long are you planning on waiting for her and is there a certainty that in 20 years she will want to be with you …..and in the meantime what about all of life not shared with her…
It (the story)has some sweet undertones but Don I am sorry you have been in pain. I am sorry too as my previous answers would have been different based on the broader picture.I felt you had been crushed- victimized in some cruel way by the fates. That you had been left behind in a cloud of dust.
Don writes:
i realized today that what has been driving me crazy is my pretending that we're NOT married; my trying to find another woman. as crazy as this may sound, there really is not another one for me! you are the one - and we were married, by that river of love pouring through my heart. how can i pretend otherwise? i've tried, and yes, that's what has been driving me crazy! in the past months, i've tried to picture myself being with 4 other women. the first time, i got actually, physically ill, immediately (just picturing it). the other times, not ill, it just didn't happen. only one of them was even close - and then SHE rejected ME; but i realized today, even if she hadn't, i couldn't have gone through with it.
amw writes:
So it had little to do with the woman who flew in to be eaten by the mosquitoes whom we, the readers, felt was an opportunist and then she flew away to be with someone else- But we didn't know the entire picture Don- did we?
Don Writes:
oh, by the way, i know you had a LOT to do with this latest friend entering my life - the one who just happens to see little sparkly lights around HER eyes … and who just happens to gaze into my face the same way you did, and then to say (just as you did), “you're so cute!” what do you suppose are the odds against THAT happening “by chance” ??? i know you sent her to me, and she's a wonderful person, and she and i match in so many ways it's phenomenal (definitely another not-by-chance happening!), and i love her dearly - but she and i are friends; you and i are married! please, just remember that.
Anjela writes:
Well married except for one little thing…. I don't think sparkly eyes knew of your previous pact with BJ….
Don writes:
isn't it funny - so many people stand up and put their hand on a bible, and solemnly swear, “…for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death … etc.” - and what they really mean is: “as long as it's convenient, or till someone more attractive comes along….” and you and i, we don't have the piece of paper, but we made the vows for REAL. we spoke them from the heart, with every star in the heavens as a witness. now, physically, we have to be apart for a while; you have to do some things, i have to do some things; and, when the time is right, we'll come back together. whether it's weeks or months or years, it doesn't matter. that's what finally settled into me this afternoon, and brought me this great feeling of peace….
amw writes:
It may seem 'funny' Don but you can wish for a milion things and yet real people are there for you- real people take vows and make you feel secure with them and them alone.They stand by their man and take their vows very seriously. Lena – Sounds like an amazing human and she wanted to be with you but you have changed all that. Based on some woman called BJ who wanted you because she loved you so much she wanted you to go find someone else…and for Lena I don't think Don has respected your feelings when he didn't tell you about BJ…AND then he writes to you and why do we women do that- say thank you to people who disrespect us- why do we continue to take what is doled out because someone has a hidden wanting- that we have no knowledge of….
He has been unkind and you write to say how happy you are with his decisions.He sounds so flippant and so laissez faire….
Don writes:
here's something that may help you feel better: IN REALITY, nothing has changed between you and me! what has happened is merely that i've blown a certain expectation out of the water, for both of us - and expectations are not Reality, in fact they tend to block our experience of Reality. Reality = my heart, your heart = same as before! : ^ )
amw writes:
I don't think he had any idea about what he was becomng to you….Don did you have any idea how she felt towards you……..?
I think this sums it all up.
I wish you both the best in your circumstances.
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
W.B. Yeats
Don wrote:
as i write these words, up jumps the question (to myself): “but aren't you playing the expectation game, in relation to BJ, waiting for her to come back into your life?” and the answer is No. i'm not waiting for her to come back. i WAS waiting for that, until yesterday, when i realized that she has never really been gone! until yesterday, i was HALF-waiting for her, and half-looking for someone else, someone to be her stand-in!\
amw wrote:
I have to commend you for at least being courageous at this time in saying the whole truth however distasteful it is-
Don wrote:
””“”“”“”“”“”“”“please don't cry about lost possibilities - ANYTHING is possible; the world is reborn every instant, and everything is always changing. the best we can do is to be true to ourselves in every moment. you and i can still get to know each other, can still grow together (and thank you so much for seeing me as a gem; you know i see you the same way). whatever we do, i pray we can do it with a minimum of expectation, fully open to the surprises of Life - that way everything will be more alive and magical for us….”“”“”“”“”“”
amw wrote:
””“”Lena wrote: “”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“Hi Don, Thank you ! I like not having expectations…. the more I think about …the more I like it ……everything is just the way it is supposed to be..I am grateful and happy..we are the best of friends…and I find that to be the very best treasure. In a funny way I think I feel better more free somehow…Love and good wishes always, Jeannie aka Lena”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“Don, no woman wants to hear that nothing is impossible- obviously her love being returned in a mutually satisfying way IS impossible!!!! this woman obviously loves you and now that is impossible for her to continue to have those types of feelings develop and grow after the bomb you just dropped.!!!
Don wrote:
””“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”Lena –
YAYYYY!!!! i totally agree with everything you said…!
hugzzzzzzz”“”“””
amw wrote:
The past two comments were just abhorrent to me. Lena If you cared about him the hurt has to be respected- not just cast aside like now you can be best friends-It doesn't work that way. And Don your respons to this woman who liked you so much is lacking so deeply in sensitivity.
All things considered…..
I enjoy your writings and look forward to your continuing blogs….
Anjela
Just to set the record straight…..in May I spent 2 wonderful weeks in Hawai'i.I have been e-mailing back and forth w/ Don since Febuary. My son lives on Oahu and came w/ me to the big isle for the weekend and we both planned on meeting Don. We all spent more than a day together and after meeting Don and spending alot of time together , he invited me to stay w/ Him for a couple days.During this time he also was initating me to Level # 3Reiki. We got along great…like two peas in a pod…he cooked macro foods for me and did all the clean up. since there is no TV in his home ,we sat and talked every night. He told me all about BJ, and how he was not yet over it. He gave up his bedroom for me,and slept on the couch. He was the perfect gentleman….. after meeting some of his friends and being invited to a dance , we decided to go together…so my couple days stretched into a total of a week….I don't know when I've had so much fun….Don and I are on the same wavelength, and laughed soooo much , the gal on the third floor above us commented on how much fun we must be having….Don was always on the up and up with me. I even told him that I could really go for him. He said he still wasn't over BJ,and couldn't go there. After I came home to CA, he wrote in one of his e-mails the possibility of perhaps we might be well suited, because we flow so well together. I must admit I did have stars in my eyes. I was dreaming all kinds of things. We however have only had a patonic relationship.He is one of the most kind and beautiful souls I've ever met. He is one person, I can look at ,and see God within him. I was disappointed.. but did not have too much invested. No misleading involved. Don is as honest as the day is long. Hope this helps clear things up.I AM lucky to have such a fine person as my friend. …..After reading the PEACE article…that is the way I feel it should stay. Lots of love and good wishes,Don …Jeannie aka lena
sorry Don and sorry Lena from reading your reaction to Don's message Lena at first it appeared to me that his feelings for BJ were a surprise to you….
especially when you wrote:
””“”“”I really wanted to take some time and get to know and groe to gether..I truly believed that I had found a rare gem in the jungle, that others did'nt seem to see…well now I know how you really feel..MARRIED..I will stop my flirty ways, and respect you and your feelings. With a pang of sadness, reroute my thoughts plans and feelings into a new curve.
Without knowing either party it is easy to misinterpret without having knowledge of the entire context.
I wish you both well and as you knew he was loving someone else in his heart then he is faultless…….I had no idea that the lost love in his life was anything but a brand new revelation that he had in some way blocked off….
It is great you can both be friends…..
How were you to know? no worrys Anjela. I'm preparing my home for sale and am moving to Hawai'i. That is why my plans and feelings are shifted into a new curve. I really did not understand how Don really felt, until the PEACE article. I thought he would just need time to get over his break up and go on..If someone told me it's over and get on with your life..thats what I would do..You don't have to say that twice!!!!!! I do understand how he feels now…….I have great respect for Don and how he feels…..I am grateful to be his friend..jeannie
Lena, thank you sooo much for your kind words, and for setting the record straight…
Anjela, of course there were a lot of things you could not have known by reading that blog entry; it was really an internal dialogue with myself, and much (like, 99%) of the “backstory” was left unsaid….
i have indeed told everyone relevant about my relationship with BJ (maybe even more than they cared to know). i definitely would not start any sort of romantic relationship with anyone, without telling that story – precisely because i felt it was unfinished! i was trying to MAKE it be finished, because it was so painful being without her, and because everyone was advising me to “let go” and “move on”. that seemed good advice – and it still seems the logical, rational thing to do – but my heart has not been able to do it. and, since i live by my heart, i have to obey that, no matter how little sense it makes to my brain. my heart has no concept of time. a day, a week, 20 years … are all meaningless to it. it knows only what it feels right now! so, that's what i have to act on….
i had been trying to MAKE my relationship with BJ be finished; trying to put myself in the “let go / move on” mode – which made sense to my head – and my heart did not get my full attention until that recent day in the park, when it finally became clear just how married i was to BJ. for both of us, the very idea of any official/governmental/religious marriage was totally intolerable – so we didn't think in such terms at all (though it turned out that our refusal to be officially married was one great element in her family's refusal to let her be with me)…. but, that day in the park, the reality of it finally got through to me (hey, i never said i was very smart!); that was the first time i consciously recognized what my heart had known all along….
maybe it was not a good idea to put it on the blog; but it was such a feeling of relief, i felt a huge rush to share it…. really it was just me affirming and marveling at this new revelation – and of course no one else could possibly know enough of the story leading up to it….
Dear Anjela, there is SOOOOOO much more to this story, you can't even begin to imagine!! and i promised myself, months ago, if and when it has a happy ending, i will write the whole story for publication – because it's the most fantastic, incredible thing. not even a Hollywood screenwriter could ever dream up this one! but, if it doesn't end happily, there will be no way i could stand to write it – and no one in the world would want (or deserve) to read such a mountain of sadness as it would be then….
without going into detail, i can just say that your speculations about BJ saving souls in a heathen country, and being a missionary in Darfur, are the closest to reality….
Don, okay I will refrain from giving off the cuff advice (Oh! that's way too difficult for me to do….)tee hee as it usually backfires without the entire story.
Okay I have booked your tickets for Darful departing tomorrow morning!!(Just joking)
I must be a fool for love or was but that's a long story and I don't want to bore you or your lovely readers but Don why can't you see if maybe by now she is ready to connect again with you ….only please don't leave it 20 years….
My bestest friend is the guy I would call when things went wrong- He and I had/have so much fun together even now we chat on the phone every day and one day he told me he had just been diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and each day since then he has gone through so much….A stem cell transplant and trial drugs and anything it would take to stay alive.
This morning his specialist said the drug he was on isn't working and his cells are growing out of control….We need a miracle but all my life I have hesitated to ask for one because, because maybe this is as it shoud be…..
He is so brave and I think my feelings now are that if Love is somewhere out there for whomever is reading this …go to it. Reach out to the person…there is nothing to lose and if THEN it doesn't work at least you can feel you left no stone unturned.
We did and continue to do that with our friendship- we so enjoy it and whenever I think of him I smile and for however long he is around it will be this joy of just being so blessed to have experienced a person like that.
So Don I hope you run, fly,ride on a magic carpet to BJ………
Sorry I meant 'Darfur'
amw —–
thanks for the latest…. like you (as you say), i've been a fool for love – many times…. one time it could easily have cost me my life! and i don't want to be so foolish again…. in my meeting with BJ at the “oasis”, we were both foolish; we both felt we absolutely could not survive without each other – and the universe apparently felt compelled to show us that we COULD…. as i said before, BJ's only way of doing it was to completely kill her feelings for me (and maybe even her ability to feel ANYTHING)…. i even got my feelings for her killed at one point … but they came back, and i'm glad they did…. and i know, if she ever did love me (and if she didn't, she deserves the biggest award for acting ever given!), then that love is still in her heart, and it always will be … and someday she may feel it again…. i'm betting that she will. but i know it's not yet time for us to get back together. i will get a message to her soon, just in case she's willing to respond…. and maybe she and i WILL be together in less than 20 years; maybe in just 2 or 3; maybe even sooner than that! we are indeed living in a time of miracles! thanks very much for your encouragement and your suggestions…. the magic carpet would definitely be the most appropriate way of travel, considering her whereabouts … but i feel sure it's too soon for that….
i'm very sorry about your friend with the scary medical situation! you say you need a miracle; well, truly, they are happening every day, all around us – so, be ready to accept one! : ^ ) please suggest that he sign up for our Distant Reiki Healing Circle – where volunteers will direct reiki to him every hour, day and night, for as long as the Healing Circle exists! reiki is very good at bringing about all kinds of healings that people believe are not possible…. : ^ ) of course, as you say, it may be that a physical healing is just not in the script for him – but, even if that's the case, the reiki will help him in other ways….
blessings to both of you ——-
“Let us stray till break of day
In love's valley of dreams.
Just you and I, the summer sky,
A heavenly breeze, kissin' the trees.
“Oh, don't make me wait.
Come to me tenderly in the June night.
I stand at your gate
And I sing you a song in the moonlight.
A love song, my darling, a moonlight serenade….”
——– Mitchell Parish (“Moonlight Serenade”)